This past month has been hard.
After finding out my friend had died I spent a week unable to shake my melancholy mood, I distracted my self as well as I could with the restrictions that are in place here – no job, no car, no really good friends.
When I moved out here I had a list of things I wanted to do, I planned on reading a book every month, seriously practicing yoga, maybe taking up running, learning italian, and blog about it all (for myself to look back on mainly) and all that has fallen to the wayside during this past month.
Not knowing what happened to Lucy during those final hours, being so far away from anyone else who knew her and having a lot of time to think has made everything feel a little pointless. It also fell in with my PMS and, maybe due to my grief, my period was three weeks late. Three weeks of PMS is not a fun thing for anyone under any conditions.
The funeral was at the beginning of this week. I awoke at 230am and lit a candle for when the ceremony was held in the UK. I then re-lit it at 1030am California time with plans to let it burn out throughout the day. I called friends back home who had attended the funeral to see how it had gone, and to try and find out exactly what had happened. But the family are being quite tight lipped about specifics beyond ‘she took her own life’.
I still like to think it was accidental.
After my phone calls I was ravenous, I thought about leaving the candle lit, about taking it downstairs with me and finally about blowing it out. I felt a little disappointed in myself for not being able to just leave it lit – anxiety is an awful thing. But when I blew it out I felt a weight kind of lift. This week my mood has felt lighter and brighter as the days have passed.So back to the to do list!
Flop! 